I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere during my five years in college, my personality switched. Okay, maybe it didn’t switch, but I reached a point where I started to push myself harder and harder to be better and better. To be honest, I’m logical, smart, but I’ve always been horrible at school. I really do enjoy learning, reading, and teaching but at the college pace, I’m just not the best at keeping up.
One semester, I realized in order to get into seminary, I was going to have to pull up my grades. I busted by butt for several summer semesters and last year of college trying to pull my GPA up from my BC days (ya’ll know what I’m talking about..). I did it! I reached my goal by .04 GPA points, but I did it.
I have been thinking about why I didn’t try harder in the first place, and what would my response have been if I hadn’t reached my goal. Frankly, I don’t like to do things I know I’m not good at. I don’t like failure. I would rather put in 70% effort and pass with a C than put in 100% effort and get a B. Why? Fear of failure.
I am realizing that fear of failure is a graceless approach to life that limits me from trying new things and taking risks for the Kingdom of God. Fear of failure exposes where one’s confidence is coming from and who they are trusting in.
Today was so sweet. I was working on an art piece for my room, and halfway through I decided I didn’t like it. So, I laid down some tape to do stripes on it. Every piece of tape was evenly spaced and perfectly pressed (all or nothing personality). I painted my stripes, waited for the paint to dry and then removed the tape. “Uh, oh. I hate it.”
I tried to figure out lettering that could go over it to make it better. Nope. I tried everything. I was about to toss it out when I stopped and prayed, “Lord, you take it.”
Three seconds later I had the idea to splatter paint it. I have rolled marbles in a shoebox more times than I have splatter painted. Nonetheless, I said okay.
Y’all, sometimes all a girl needs is to create splatter-paint artwork with Jesus. I know it’s not a big deal to most people, but the way we create things reveals a lot about our personalities. Normally, I follow the design rules (repetition, contrast, proximity, alignment etc). I don’t go outside of the box. Why? Because I’d end up creating something that a 3rd grader could make. (Fear of failure).
But today was great. I didn’t worry about anything, I didn’t think about where I was going to put what. I even got it all over me, my clothes, floor, sink and glasses. And it was okay. I didn’t stop to evaluate what was wrong with the piece and what needed to be changed. I just did it.
The final touch was the addition of the letters “J-O-I-E”. Joy in french. Something I fight for, but know exactly where that’s found.
Today was something that my soul needed. A day to make art with Jesus. To walk by faith experiencing freedom in trusting Him with the outcome, however small that outcome may be.
2 Corinthians 3:17-18 “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18 And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.“