The Joys of Being a Bachelorette: There’s Someone In My House

I’ll admit it. Living alone in a two-story townhouse with a basement has brought out and heightened my awfully darn cute sense of paranoia. Oh, the joys of being single!

Y’all. I’m not kidding. I haven’t NOT shared a bedroom since April 2010. I’ve been blissfully paired with some of my favorite people over the years in a confined 10X7 jail cell room. First it started with Tessa on summer project in Daytona.

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Sweet Tessa!

It continued with my favorite little bunkmate I ever did have, Aimee.

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Then I got to share a small room with two foam mats on the floor in Africa with Whitney, who mind you, laughs in her sleep so there really was never an hour I wasn’t interacting with people.

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Love her.

Finally, I was sandwiched for 10 months between LB and Elaina every single night.

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Elaina, me and LB
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Our bedroom in Senegal. It was cozy.

Let’s fast forward to today. I am living outside a major city in the Mid-West across the street from my aunt, uncle and grandma. Even though they are close, I still feel pretty isolated and in the back of my mind I’m thinking that any point in time the guy from Unsolved Mysteries could sneak into my house and be a “squatter.” Don’t think it could happen? HAVE YOU SEEN THIS NEWS ARTICLE?

Okay, I’m being a little dramatic. But today y’all. Today made me thankful I’ve given up on this state and am moving back to good ol’ Rocky Top Tennessee.

I was fixing a bowl of cereal, minding my own business mind you, when I heard this really loud thud. It sounded like it came from the stairs. I said to myself, “Mary, it’s nothing. Eat your cereal confidently.” {Who says that?! Right, because me chewing Frosted Flakes like a boss is going to make a killer back away saying, “Oh, my bad. I don’t attack people who eat cereal with a Tiger spokesman confidently.“} I walked upstairs into my room and started working on a few freelance applications and heard, “BAM! BAM! BRRUUUM! BAM!”

I kid you not. The Memphis blood in me is still good. I hit the ground in two seconds flat, belly down, eyes positioned to where I could see out from under the bed only to realize the shadows were coming from my other side. I glance up at my window hoping to see Jesus, but instead I saw the shadow of a man!! But instead of the notorious killers I’ve seen on UM, I saw a man cutting down some branches off of the tree in front of my house.

I was scared of a lumberjack.

The loud “thuds” and “bams” came from him setting up his ladder on the awning above my stairs, climbing on top of the garage, and starting his chainsaw to trim back some of the branches.

I’ve decided the single life just isn’t for me. I’m ready for some roommates. Even if they are ones that huddle in another roommate’s room with me while we call the cops about someone walking on our front porch, only to realize it’s the neighborhood dog with 22 toes. ‘Cause that happened too.

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